It was another emotional day. It’s gotten old. I wonder if this is what a day in the ER is like. Nothing new just another day. I don’t lack empathy. I can barely do for myself. That’s why it’s discomforting on another level. I take self care to the best of my ability. I also get tired of reading my own feelings. It feels like repetitive behavior but it’s reality.

It’s nice when everything seems to be in order. It’s a better feeling too. All I do is write and repeat my daily routine now days. I’ve been seeking employment for a very long time now. I’ve suppressed a lot as a result of abuse. Now I am exposed to things for what they always truly were. It is painful to be entering my early 30’s on this note but it will also be the beginning to something new. Something more profound. It occasionally feels like life is coming to an end. The shelter I currently live in is filled with mainly elder women. I am afraid for anyone else who has suffered this type of abuse and has no where else to go or rely on. Life happens fast. I’m thankful for all. I do not know that I would have learned what I know now if I didn’t unfortunately go through most of this. I am not fond of shallow situations. Most of the time people only seem to like what is on the surface. Perhaps this is why people get bored, appreciate their lonesome or always look for more. It is easy to like something from what is given in return outside of love. Now that I am left with nothing I can see that. Providing for myself has always allowed me to stand in a different place. The love I require is free. I won’t accept less than what I deserve for an answer. No matter what it seems like any day ever again in my life.

I’m dwelling in a place with equally suffering women. Sadly whomever has been a part of this journey the unknown has no mercy and lacks true feelings. They have proven to be mostly emotionless on our worst days. It’s beyond comprehension. It’s immoral. The staff here are careless. Everyone has gone through their share of trouble. I have also been the one seeking help in my trouble that I have not received. Normally people change for the worst, become bitter, cold, protect theirselves or naturally just become unacceptable. I’ve managed to remain resilient in a time with meeting people for the first time. This is the most vulnerable time of my life.

The terrorizers trip me out. It almost always squeezes all of the life out of me to remain stagnant. I know eventually it will return to try and remain in control knowing it has the power to influence my mind. It is not always mental health related. It’s real. I just don’t know who it is or how to prove it yet.

Most recently they proved to recall many events. They know a lot about me. Or, this is my perception based off the things taking place while I’m processing most in my mind. The best way I could explain it would be that I am thinking about something and it is like a overriding connection of negative thoughts trying to take over, trying to confuse me, trying to belittle me, sometimes or occasionally is positive. Mainly it’s not acceptable of my persona or my capabilities.

Not always but a lot. I do not find that my brain is able to function at a double capacity. I can’t think or work on something and allow myself to be the hindering of my own progress. That does not even make sense. I am my own motivator. I don’t strive to or ever suffered from that and it does bother me. It impacts my day to day. Whatever that gift or ability is I’m sure more than one person is able to do. It doesn’t seem consistent. What I refer to as brain washing. Sadly it feels like more than one person. I can tell it has been around during certain occasions. I can link certain experiences mainly with the smell that remind me of those emotions I felt during that time. They or whomever it is has not confirmed to have my best interest. Invasion of privacy I have suffered too long.

Momming

I’ll gradually be transitioning back to momming. So far D.C. has been great aside from my initial negative outlook. Unfortunately, my children are not currently with me but will be once I’m adjusted. Outside of education and staying healthy we enjoy summer camp, swimming and hiking. I look forward to all that will continue manifesting for me. Thank you God for keeping me head strong.

COVID19

COVID19

An epidemic while homeless. I like to think of this as a short term Great Depression. It’ll last as long as business owners allow. No one else can control what they choose to do with their ownership. Precautionary measures are most important. Life keeps moving forward. Low income and moderate earners are mainly counting on their roles. I hope it does not last that long. I am thankful for the peace of God during this time. Shelter although abusive. Food and water. I am extremely thankful to not be on a blow up mattress at the Los Angeles Rescue Mission, but do hope they are given sanitary items to prevent from getting infected. I am curious to know what they are doing during this time? Are they allowed to stay indoors and given special accommodations? The Midnight Mission does what they can. They should consider health as a priority. They should also be attentive to anyone laying outdoors prior to entering the building as a safety hazard.

Important things to keep in mind:

Sandals for showers, wipes, sanitizer, gloves, face masks, H20 and a support system.

Blessings,

Ponce.

D.C. 2020

They do not want you to look into the mirror and feel beautiful. They strive for brokenness and heartache. A bitter soul that lacks everything that even money cannot buy. Peace and real love is not found in others, in items, in tearing people down or wishing you had the life of one else. I am aware that abusive people lack self love and try to take it away from others. Beautiful is skin deep. I love myself more than anyone ever will. God is convincing. Praise and harmony keep me still. I remain respectful and hopeful. I’ve yet to turn to destruction despite the amount of abuse I’ve had to go through. Those concrete floors hurt. It was cold. Nothing is forced in my life. I’ve been outside long enough. I’ve taken care of myself all of my adulthood. I’ve come to the conclusion that there may be people attempting to ruin my reputation more than already ruining me. Either way, I know what is valid and real. Money isn’t necessary to prove that I am valued and cared for. I do not feel good today. Homeless is not a lifestyle it is survival.

What do you think when you see me?

I am not going into a depressive state. My body does hurt and I do want to lay down. Exercise would be amazing right now. It would help build my strength, my state of mind and keep me elevated. I cannot partake in that right now. I also do not feel like laying down it will just make me feel worse. Conscious is more than aware. It is owning yourself. It means that nothing can take away from you or define you. No one needs to assist you in your struggles. If they do it is a plus. It didn’t build you up so it cannot tear you down. This is brutal. It is awful, rude and mean. If it did help build you up you still own yourself and it still cannot tear you down. This is something that I have learned more than often happens to victims which are survivors but do not know it yet.

Nurturing and loving is not this. This applies to a victim who does not know they are a survivor yet.

It is easy to get stuck in the convincing. What seems reasonable in times of desperation and such. Sometimes most of us do not have some where else to turn in a unhealthy place. It does not mean that the abuse it acceptable. I was struck by the woman who I must got along with in the room I am currently sharing. Nothing is secure until it is. This is another reason why I do not gamble my emotions or play with my heart that I wear on my sleeve.

It is not easy. I am worthy. I am worth it. Love is patient, it is kind, it is whole.

I walked to my locker and attempted to open it. She was already furious when I walked into the room then asked me to return her wallet. She then began to call me Gracie. My name is Jasmin. My wallet got stolen weeks ago by someone in that same room. I am weak not dumb. Not fully lost in the mind or easily manipulated. I had already noted that the enemy that tries to belittle me, makes me question myself and tears me down was impressed with what I have going on here and lashed instantly there. Aware, conscious, not hard to understand. I will not be convinced that it is a mental health issue. Assistance just like real love is acknowledged. No matter how much I have been torn I remain happy.

My situation differs from yours one day I will be more than understood. I am not prideful, I do not boast, I do accept help. I have been screaming help for as long as I can recall in a crisis which is real. They don’t not know or hear me. How empowering. Not. Common sense is common courtesy and a victim is to be taken seriously. I take notes on everything because it is my life and I want the best one. There are special police on every floor where I am staying. I am normal, I am human and I am trying my best. I am still aware that the right people are unaware of what is going on because it is unsafe, it is surreal and it is sad. I am not the only person who ended up with something on their face. Another elder woman went through the same thing and there is nothing I can do for her. I do not know the facts about how she got hit. I do know she received medical attention, got discharged back into the shelter and is now back on her way to these day centers as a means of survival. They did not take pictures of her face and I am assuming did not do any further investigating on her behalf because they are tired. Why else? Who are these special police? I question everything. I do not mean any disrespect and I
do not want anything else to happen to me or anyone else. Days go by but nothing changes. I am not expecting to walk out of that place and everything be in order. There are realms to lifestyles and I previously viewed it as the divine vs the corrupt. I have always walked in the heavenly realm while living in the corrupt. It is how I manage to survive and I do it well. I am sincere. I doubt that is hardly questionable. The realms are really more so according to your lifestyle. This is how I now view it even though I see the beauty in all.

There is security in affirmations. In perceptions. In choices. I know precautions, awareness, and advocacy in these areas fail.

During my many years of being kidnapped I at least managed to keep my children happy. They did not notice anything. I barely did. I’d block it out for the most part. It is hard for me to believe that my face is messed up from a woman attacking me followed by accusing me of stealing her wallet. My wallet was stolen weeks ago. As I arrived to this shelter only my belongings were thrown away. Little things that had value to me such as my perfume and hair spray. This is reassuring that I am the target. No matter how promising the place is or safe it sounds. I have enough experience to know what I should and should not do. Does it make a difference. Hardly any at all. I have a victims of crime report filled out for myself and others then what? Victims of neglect and abuse. A waiting period? Relocation to another low barrier shelter? I need to keep stepping into public and try to get the right peoples attention until I see evident action and progress. The police is aware. I’ve managed well with what I am able to keep up with considering everything gets damaged or stolen from me. I am exhausted of this I barely want to continue writing about it, but eventually the enemy must get tired and flee. There aren’t not enough professionals. Why is it that they are not helping me. I do not feel invisible today. I am strong. My head is throbbing or does every so often. I did a good job making sure she didn’t continue to hit me in my head and face. I do believe that once you don’t respond or give it the attention and frustration that it expects you to react out of it goes on to the next one which is not okay but real. I am not in an abusive relationship. I have been homeless for a very long time.

I am conscious and I plan to stay this way.

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