Survivor of all.

I was once punched upstairs of a home that had theater like purple seats and I know it was not just him. I don’t doubt that the same things that I am dealing with now is what was being done to him then. I put things in perspective to better understand and hes still ashamed of me. Due to my economic crisis? Because I’m not currently his mother or super woman. Wow. These are not excuses. No one else does shit for me. With that being sad I forgave him and moved along. Not because I’m as low as you labelled me. These are not the choices I made due to my brokenness or self consciousness. Just the other day he called me and told me what a shame. I wonder if it was really him. I don’t put shit past anyone. One day in Monrovia on my way to work I was threatened with bs by the unfamiliar. Let me live my life please. What a shame on what exactly. I hope this full fills you. You are not alone. They think that brokenness is the key to an easy spirited life. A wowzer. A fun gal. No, I’ve been dancing since I was little when only my mother new. Only. There is this thing with Latinos who are chosen to belittle you with their ways. Its an ethnic thing. I’m not sure what other races do what. Latinos belittle you by saying stuff like you’re shy. They pick words for you when you are down and vulnerable and remind you of it. Not your personal issue until they made it one because they are so fucking terrible. This was me almost all my life with my family and most recently was reminded by someone who I once respected. Never again. I just reminded myself. Ha! I’ve never been shy! I think asians do the lip thing but not big lips as in i’m not going to stop talking shit that’s an african american thing. I’m only guessing because this is also currently happening to me. I can’t help you. Move along. “Heal.”…………………………..

The fear of failure has got me thinking. What if the man and his family did not migrate from the middle east?

I have dealt with mainly what seems to have been considered low barrier shelter living for the past three years and survived. I was told that I needed to humble myself and that is what I still do not understand. I’ve been humble. Options do not excite me.

I left California in 2017. I am not unstable. Power of the tongue speaks life and death and I will remain positive. The experience was something different to say the least. Life is my journal. Often I get discouraged and delete most of what I have written. I do not live a fancy high-end life. But, I am almost certain I could if I played my cards right. I don’t have any! It is obvious that I keep my children in mind but using people has never been one a option that is. I don’t find it in my heart to be in a relationship for the sake of money and now I am selfish. No. I am whole by myself no matter how shattered my heart is. have two pair of clothing and one pair of shoes. No I did not plan this and I do listen to my dreams. Precaution is important of course. The flow of my writing usually keeps my day going. I hope that you are able to read this in the rhythm that I am writing it in. It has been rare to claim that I have someone who is down for me. What does being down for you mean?

I have never really been in the position to get up and go. Now I am. Now that I’m car-less, financial-less, childless, and wiped out from everything that I once owed. I am almost sure I wont be going on any shopping sprees. My life has never been on edge to this degree and the fear of judgement is not holding me back. I hope that I will be lucky enough to meet those who feel the deep side of Gods warmness from loving the simple things in life. Not just because I lost everything or need a petty party extra hand of help. Rather a life lasting friendship. I do not seek too many. People do their homework. I am not sure what tools are being used in 2021 and this is not a rant. I read that money talks and I’m sure it does. I’m sure it would buy my ex boyfriend back into my life. If I could provide the perfect lifestyle for his children and him. I am a woman of course. I do not have the personality trait to make people jealous to fit in. I think it is a little too late for that in my hometown. I think some have learned to wiggle their way through the nicer things in life by being attentive and being likable at the right place at the right time. I am always on my best behavior and mainly those who are set in their families, norms and lifestyles did not even come across this train of thought. It would have been pretty secure to have at least one best friend to talk to all the time about my heart ache and personal opinions. I did not have more than one to begin with.

I’m not dirty! I am actually really clean. I don’t think that I will fit in with anyone who has not struggled. That’s two of us that are now tired. Invite him! To your vacations. Buy him you cant take his soul though. One girl always brought things to my attention in a child like state of expression and your voice is not mine. Move along. All I got to think about now is what I actually saw rather than what was told to me. I am drama free. I don’t think that many who were shelter living led to that life due to karma, skill-less, friendship less lifestyles. I think it was literally a matter of hitting rock bottom due to economic situations like Trump being in house. A lack of advocacy or prevention if you went that low. I always seemed to be one of the young females around. I did nothing but walk around, stay to myself and be quiet. What if hid this experience from my reality? I would not heal my wounds. I’d be walking on my toes and those who wished evil upon me did not conquer. All that has now past. It hurt. I actually slept on concrete floor one night and froze. I am surprised that the night the woman who kicked me on the head is now in her home. She was walking outside at 4am. I am surprised that no one caught that. I was across from the police station. It is not a exciting story. It was a lonely boring questioning long three years of nothing. I am not having a petty party. I also did not plan homelessness. Women do things to fight/make your ex “feel bad” again type of ordeal. That is not what I was going to do for the sake of getting him back. It was not going to work. He actually suggested that I go to one in Azusa while I survived many nights there alone also. So you paint a better picture — Trash! Yeah right. I lost my life at 27. This is not a movie production, a story, an exciting moment. It is exactly how you are reading it. So yes it is public. I don’t want anyone in my life that doesn’t want me. Yes people judge humans by looks, accomplishments, things in your possession, etc etc. Don’t come back to my blog post. I came up with this great example of a caucasian woman with brunette/blonde hair at 27, 5’4, 134 lbs in a boxing ring with wolves. Her survival was prone to be a lot better. Her classification of low barrier shelter living would of been painted a better “humbling” experience. Now its 2021 and stop asian hate is on the billboards. I’m latina, 5’4, 131 lbs and was thrown out to the wolves literally. So yes it is and was embarassing. They suggested therapy that’s obvious. I don’t have a you cant tell me nothing type of attitude. So for those who judge a book by its cover like yourself treat me for what you see and not what you know. I’m beyond disgusted.

When I first left California in 2017. I left to the North West and had a much better opportunity at survival. I had just stopped working for a home health company, had money, my children and my belongings. My family or “family” hates me because of the obvious, their personal thoughts on what they think they could have done (if they were me), tea parties, and bullshit. Nothing they suggested which was only a recovery home. As if they had millions of dollars to pay for what they think I was going to receive while still with my children at one. I do not suffer from alcoholism, drug abuse or prostitution. They just don’t have shit to help me with so their excuse is not saying anything at all and keep me at a distance. No secret here! Some families just don’t have shit and a extra person in their house is a little too much. That’s understandable moving forward. Never looking back. I was outside for three years. So yes if you look at a Latina on the street there is not that many obvious options to assume. If you look at a caucasian one you think she has dirt under her nails and is most likely abusing of drugs and is trash. What did you assume of me? There are really not that many young homeless women. Rock bottom at 27 gives you a different emotion. It has almost been four years of absolutely nothing!

I am a believer that is all I have left. That is what also created me. I am not a bore. But, you too can move along!

Take a look at the different type of women. Perhaps you are something different. I am supposed to graduate every spring and thank God i’m exactly 70% done. How exciting! I remember looking back to the days I would get educational plans and thinking that it was going to be a long journey. Now it is easy to look into the future and thrive with the excitement that I will be done with school when I am done with school. I do have timelines, goals and a lot of ambition left. In 2015 when my mother passed away I got my first role as a clinical liaison at a home health co and soon after moved into my own place with my children. The same place where everything shattered. You analyze this. When I am able to get a marketing campaign of my own — paying for it of course. I will grow differently with the asisstance of others. I will find others. There is a huge sign on Washington Blvd that you can’t miss in the City of Pasadena. It says REMAINDERS. That is right next door to the Herbalife I always went to and a thrift store next door owned the woman who owns the entire building. That gave me hope. The sign is in rainbow bold letters. I think it is just a store. I can’t stand the blanket – we “don’t need” is what they’ve been telling me, that I am sitting on. Blank it! But, they have not gone away they keep helping and looking. I think you are starting to understand. These young girls can pay for a $4k studio apartment that fits their life, look, and fashion. I am a fashion Diva by the way!

No one is perfect. A massive wipe out is the best way to look at it. I’ll keep speaking positivity into my life. Only you know how they can give you dreams, listen to your thoughts, control or manipulate you. I am alone but it does not really feel like it. I lived in a huge nice 3 story home when my mother first died and not one friend called me. Unbelievable! When I scroll down my feeds I start thinking to myself if someone personalized my applications to give me hope, give me life, teach me lessons, etc etc. Not at all I just worked for a tech co and marketing is a fun thing. I will stick to B2B and word of mouth. You should also. There are companies who are flourishing in social media campaigns, professionals, grads and experts.

I am not unstable. I am a single woman. I went to a black and white affair with my ex boyfriend and that same night 1. walked home, 2. was told that I was unstable by the same person who I have not spoken to in YEARS (and doesn’t know shit about me/ or I thought. How do you know shit about me?!) 3. was almost the beginning to the end of this destruction. I am not losing my voice again. I’m not stupid until I get raped, punched the fuck out, thrashed with words and action. I mean what could possibly go wrong again? Pay for your marketing campaigns until you are a expert. Trust me! They will help you thrive in your world of business. Word. Yes. Pay for that shit.

I’m not Jesus. I’m not taking punches for anyone. I’m not the only one praying. What could I possibly do to protect myself while I am alone? How do I prove that what they tried to create of me is a lot worst than what you can see? This is by far and evident just plain stupid. I cant make God resurrect for you to believe in your own healing, your own goals, or to end your hate towards me. Move the fuck along.

If they abuse of me more then they abuse of me. It is inevitable. But, it is not what I want or am accepting.

It’s sorry!

I know there are people who feel what I feel, see what I see, been thrashed, been lied to and don’t put up with madness. You shouldn’t. I’ve helped almost all the women in my life and what I’ve learned is that it has not replicated. Has anyone else learned that? Someone mentioned life not being easy. That is your personal problem not mine. I was outside for three years alone. It was stupid. I got the jobs that I got because I applied for them and now peoples shady ways of enlightning theirself is telling you lies to make oneself feel better. While holding on to their own hope for their own growth. I pray in the spirit. Please keep me in prayer. That these things will never return to my life so that I can move forward with mine.

They do not want you to look into the mirror and feel beautiful. They strive for brokenness and heartache. A bitter soul that lacks everything that even money cannot buy. Peace and real love is not found in others, in items, in tearing people down or wishing you had the life of one else. I am aware that abusive people lack self love and try to take it away from others. Beautiful is skin deep. I love myself more than anyone ever will. Praise and harmony keep me still. I remain respectful and hopeful. I’ve yet to turn to destruction despite the amount of abuse I’ve had to go through. God is convincing. Those concrete floors hurt. It was cold. Nothing is forced in my life. I’ve been outside long enough. I’ve taken care of myself all of my adulthood. Either way, I know what is valid and real. Money isn’t necessary to prove that I am valued and cared for. I do not feel good today. Homeless is not a lifestyle it is survival.

Timothy 1:4 (6-10) If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters,[a] you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. 10 That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe.

What do you think when you see me?

I am not going into a depressive state. My body does hurt and I do want to lay down. Exercise would be amazing right now. It would help build my strength, my state of mind and keep me elevated. I cannot partake in that right now. I also do not feel like laying down it will just make me feel worse. Conscious is more than aware. It is owning yourself. It means that nothing can take away from you or define you. No one needs to assist you in your struggles. If they do it is a plus. It didn’t build you up so it cannot tear you down. This is brutal. It is awful, rude and mean. If it did help build you up you still own yourself and it still cannot tear you down. This is something that I have learned more than often happens to victims which are survivors but do not know it yet.

Nurturing and loving is not this. This applies to a victim who does not know they are a survivor yet.

It is easy to get stuck in the convincing. What seems reasonable in times of desperation and such. Sometimes most of us do not have some where else to turn in a unhealthy place. It does not mean that the abuse it acceptable. I was struck by the woman who I must got along with in the room I am currently sharing. Nothing is secure until it is. This is another reason why I do not gamble my emotions or play with my heart that I wear on my sleeve.

I am worthy. I am worth it. Love is patient, it is kind, it is whole.

I walked to my locker and attempted to open it. She was already furious when I walked into the room then asked me to return her wallet. She then began to call me Gracie. My name is Jasmin. My wallet got stolen weeks ago by someone in that same room. I am weak not dumb. Not fully lost in the mind or easily manipulated. I had already noted that the enemy that tries to belittle me, makes me question myself and tears me down was impressed with what I have going on here and lashed instantly there. Aware, conscious, not hard to understand. I will not be convinced that it is a mental health issue. Assistance just like real love is acknowledged. No matter how much I have been torn I remain happy.

My situation differs from yours one day I will be more than understood. I am not prideful, I do not boast, I do accept help. I have been screaming help for as long as I can recall in a crisis which is real. A form of demonic possession or not. They don’t not know or hear me. How empowering. Not. Common sense is common courtesy and a victim is to be taken seriously. I take notes on everything because it is my life and I want the best one.

There are special police on every floor where I am staying. I am normal, I am human and I am trying my best. I am still aware that the right people are unaware of what is going on because it is unsafe, it is surreal and it is sad. I am not the only person who ended up with something on their face. Another elder woman went through the same thing and there is nothing I can do for her. I do not know the facts about how she got hit. I do know she received medical attention, got discharged back into the shelter and is now back on her way to these day centers as a means of survival. They did not take pictures of her face and I am assuming did not do any further investigating on her behalf because they are tired. Why else? Who are these special police? I question everything. I do not mean any disrespect and I
do not want anything else to happen to me or anyone else. Days go by but nothing changes. We should praise and cry together. I am not expecting to walk out of that place and everything be in order. I’m working my days patiently and in trust of the Lord our sun.There are realms to lifestyles and I previously viewed it as the divine vs the corrupt. I have always walked in the heavenly realm while living in the corrupt. It is how I manage to survive and I do it well. I am sincere. I doubt that is hardly questionable. The realms are really more so according to your lifestyle. This is how I now view it even though I see the beauty in all.

There is security in affirmations. In perceptions. In choices. I know precautions, awareness, and advocacy in these areas fail.

Timothy 1:4 (11-16)11 Command and teach these things. 12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 13 Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. 14 Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

15 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. 16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Life is not all Rainbows & Picnics.

I’m not inspired by my latest blog posts. I’m sure as time goes by I’ll continue to progress and my state of mind will change. I am still super girly which is amazing. I envision a art room of my own. That would be like my Saturday location and occasionally drop in center. It wouldn’t be mixed with my writing or reading space. I like to separate my hobbies. I don’t have much to work with to stay motivated but ill stick to the thoughts that make me feel better.

Happy New Year. 🌻

I love arts. Creative healing. Natural aromas, meditation & spirituality. It hurts that I did not sign up to volunteer my time soon enough to give back with the elderly, veterans or at a church where my heart is. My prayers are sufficient. I continue to seek peace trusting where God is taking me. I have too much kindness and love to sit here in sorrow.

Every day I wake up and I have to do it again. Homelessness is not for the faint of heart. Every where I turn it is also there accompanying me. I am no super asshole. Not without a cause. These agencies lack advocacy for those whom are going through this lifestyle. This shelter isn’t doing anything until I enforce it, ask for it, or do it myself.

I don’t know exactly what people are waiting for to act on my behalf considering I was traumatized, am the victim and am tired. It is not that I do not know what to do for myself to regain my life. I’ve already been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts because I strongly dislike this. No one wants to be left down or alone. I know the feeling of being stuck or feeling suffocated in this state also. There isn’t any emotionally support or empowerment, it’s quite the contrary. I wake up in an environment with vulnerable suffering women. I spent the last two Christmas’s alone and have experienced the symptoms of extreme neglect. As long as I am able to do so I am going to continue to uplift those women around me up. I am here too for over two years now.

This is by far the craziest shit I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life existence. People cannot relate from the outside looking in. I am not a soldier but I’ve survived a lot and I’m tired.